The best way to talk to someone with dementia
Sometimes it can be really challenging to know for sure that you are effectively supporting someone with dementia. These five tips are ones that I have used to enhance communication:
1. Keep it simple.
Think “one thought, one sentence”. I know it may seem really obvious now you’ve read it, but this is something that is often overlooked. Using shorter, direct sentences will be easier for a person with dementia to understand than long winded rambling thoughts. It’s also a really good idea to talk about one subject at a time rather than jumping about different topics. (I’ll admit it, this was a bad habit of mine. Working on it really helped!)
2. Ask straight forward questions with yes/no answers.
If you give too many choices it can be really difficult to process for a person with dementia. Think about it: “Would you like a cup of tea, coffee, milk, water, juice, hot chocolate, cordial or soft drink?” I can’t remember all the choices! Yes or No questions will make life easier for you both. Also, If you know the person well, you can select their favourite choices to help narrow the broad range down for them. Here are two everyday examples of what I mean: “Would you like a cup of tea?” (Yes/No) or “Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?” (reducing number of choices).
3. Turn down the radio or turn off the TV.
Did you know some people living with dementia have an extra “buzzing” type noise inside their head that they have to contend with every minute of the day? It’s due to damage to the brain.
Now imagine trying to concentrate on what someone was saying when you’re having to deal with that irritating sound.
Now I want you to imagine adding in some extra background noise, like a radio/TV/loud background conversations.
You can now understand why it could be so much harder for people to be able to focus on what you are saying and try to communicate. In a nutshell: keep it calm, keep it quiet.
4. Be patient. Slow yourself down and wait.
After learning to stick to shorter sentences and one topic at a time, this was the second biggest trick I learnt. Here’s the thing: it can take much longer for thoughts to be processed and for an answer to be found for people with dementia. (It’s called the “ability to process information” if you are wanting to do some further reading on this.)
After I realised this fact I made a conscious decision to slow down and be patient. There were times I would ask a question and literally wait 20 – 30 seconds for a response. I didn’t feel the need to “fill the silence”. I just waited. Calmly. Compassionately. And guess what? By waiting that small amount of extra time, life got just a little easier for both me and the person with dementia.
Sometimes life was busy and I’d be racing around. One little trick I found was to pause before entering a room and take a slow deep breath. I would then calmly enter the room. It helped me to be in a much calmer emotional state to begin communication. People can pick up on vibes. It’s no different for a person with dementia.
As an aside, the extra time to process information can also explain why you may ask a question and then another and another and your friend/family member will answer the very first one you asked a minute or two ago. And then you’re perplexed. It’s because it took them time to work it out.
I promise you, this tip can be transformative in improving communication. I know it’s hard to slow down in a world where we are constantly driven to “get it done”, but it’s really worth a try.
5. Your support makes a difference.
I’ve read a few of these “help” type lists over the years and I’ve found it rare to have this issue addressed. On many occasions in the early days I wondered whether it mattered that I tried. Especially when the person no longer remembered who I was or could no longer talk. I have this to say to you:
I know it can be so hard to talk with a family member or friend and they can’t respond the way you’d hope. I understand exactly how it feels to not have them recognise you, to ask a question and it goes unanswered. I know how it can deeply hurt your heart. I say that because I’ve been there personally as well as professionally.
I want to reassure you that your care, compassion and support makes a difference. When I was working front line in aged care, there were many times I’d notice a resident being agitated and upset prior to a family visit (pacing, tense muscles etc). I’d then observe they were so much calmer and happier after a visit. This was evident even if they couldn’t verbally communicate effectively. This was evident even if they couldn’t remember their relationship with their loved one.
Their faces would be relaxed. Their shoulders would not be as tense. They would be calmer and more content. I want to reassure you that what you see and what I would see are two very different things. I believe that the need for connection is not lost, even if it may feel deeply hidden from your view. Your support makes a difference. Keep going.
Thank you so much for reading this list. I so hope you found the information within to be useful. Please let me know which was most helpful or if you have any topics you’d like me to address.
How pets bring comfort and joy for people with dementia
Simple strategies to use to support both animals and people with dementia.
Practical strategies for a dementia friendly Christmas
Simple strategies to help your holiday celebration is dementia friendly and supportive for all.